I had taken a break from dating for a year and half after a very unfortunate experience with an older man (he was 31 and I was 22). At first, I thought we were really into each other, but as things escalated he ended up showing lots of narcissistic tendencies. He almost sexually assaulted me, would ghost me for days to "punish me" (in his words), and then randomly ended things for no reason. At first, I was devastated. I thought I lost someone I really liked and that he wasn't into me enough. My self esteem was non-existent and I hated myself for a long time. With the help of therapy, I came to realize that ultimately him being not into me is a good thing and I was grateful that things ended.
A year and a half later, I'm 24 and thought "I love myself enough". At the end of February, I decided to risk dating again. This time I thought I knew the red flags, I've read enough psychoanalysis books after all. I started dating someone who is 26 - he was very normal and on our first date we kept talking for over 3 hours. He seemed really into me and was consistent with making plans, remembering small things I said, telling his friends and family about me, asking me for more time together, etc - I thought I finally found someone who doesn't hate me and is into me - for the first time in my life.
On the first date, he told me how he feels like he's never fallen in love before. He told me how his friends helped him pick an outfit for the date because he feels like he can't make decisions on his own and feels like he can't name his own feelings. He said how his friends told him that I look too good for him. I didn't think these were red flags. If anything, I thought he's still young and it is normal that he's never said "I love you" to anyone - I haven't either. He said that for the first time in his life he's looking for someone to settle down with and is not interested and has never been interested in casual relationships - I thought all of these were green flags. Initially, I wasn't that attracted to him and googled if physical attraction could grow - and overtime it did, I fell for him and his mannerisms.
Three weeks ago we had our first "argument" - I wanted him to clarify something but the conversation somehow escalated to talking about his feelings. He said how he doesn't know if his feelings are developing - that he might be "sick" or "fucked up" or something is wrong with him. I admittedly was overly emotional during the call so that night I apologized and he replied warmly but for the next 10 days he was extremely distant. He would normally initiate texts during the week but he didn't. I could feel something had changed. Finally, he texted me a long message about how he thinks he has a blockage that he needs to work on in therapy. He told me even if he met someone amazing, he wouldn't have been able to form a healthy relationship. He thanked me for apparently showing him he has this problem. He said he thought his feelings would develop but simply didn't. He said it's nothing I did and that I was kind, patient, and caring with him.
Me being a masochist, and having no self respect, two weeks later I asked for one last calm call. I had been eating myself up for being "too emotional" during the call and wanted to apologize. He reassured me that it wasn't the call. He said he would've eventually realized that he has no feelings for me. He said that it's not anything I did and that maybe one day he'll have feelings for someone and they won't. I explicitly asked then if he's simply not that into me and that his blockage isn't the entire issue (like he made it sound in the very long message he sent) - he said he doesn't know. He said it could be both. I asked if there's something repulsive about me - whether it's my looks or personality or something I said - he said no. He said it doesn't have to be something specific and that it could be that we're just not made for each other.
He was so kind to me. I thanked him for calling since he ended things and didn't owe me anything. He said how he knows me - he knew I would think a lot, analyze everything, and stay up at night and that a call would make me feel better. I felt so seen but also sad. I can't rationalize it by saying he didn't know me well enough - because he did and somehow the more he knew me the less he liked me.
You're probably thinking that I have zero self-respect and you would be correct. I've been in therapy for years, I'm a PhD student, I have many prestigious awards and accomplishments. I know I'm conventionally attractive, I know I'm kind and funny and have hobbies but nothing helps.
I don't know how not to take this personally. I thought I was ready to date but I'm clearly not. When all of my experiences so far have ended in the same way - it's hard for me not to think there's something very wrong with me. And there has to be right? I'm in a very dark state where I'm convinced there's something unlovable and repulsive about me and I don't know what the solution is. Is there even a solution other than to hope one day someone would have feelings for me?
